NUMB

Numb: lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent

The past couple of days have been emotionally up and down for me and today I have digressed to just being numb.

Some things are happening in our life and they are bringing back memories of previous times in our life and feelings of uneasiness and general distrust.

Hubby has been at the school a year now, evaluated things and has this week started putting into action some tough changes.

Changes are never easy, especially when you've been burned; taking the first step towards a fire brings up all sorts of emotions.

Everything seems fine.

But are they really?

There are questions and reservations.

Questioning of everyone's motives.

Reservations about who you can really trust; do I let them know the deep-down, real me?

Over-analyzation of every comment, email, and meeting.

We've learned that when changes are made and all is quiet and everything seems fine, we need to start ducking and looking over our shoulder for the tidal wave.

We've learned that once you walk through the fire and come out the other side, there is usually another fire to walk through, and another and another.

I firmly believe that the road to heaven is engulfed in fire. It's not only straight and narrow but filled with fiery trials to walk through.

I'm not saying that you have to walk through fire to get to heaven but it's there nonetheless. Those willing to walk through the fire become stronger and are then able to carry those that cannot walk through the fires; those not willing, will step around the fire and will not experience the adventure of walking through and the strength to carry on and the courage to ask for more. Refined is the one word I can think to describe how you feel coming out the other side.

Refined through Satan's fire, by the hand of God.

Our greatest discovery about our life-destiny has become our greatest act of submission--our life has been, is and always will be all about walking through fires.

We're wholly content with this and fully inspired by it because we feel that the end result is worth the scars and the burns...

And always smelling smoke behind every door.

There's a song we should probably claim as "our song" at this point in our lives. I don't remember the name of it right now.

It's written and sung by a girl that is blind. She's definitely walked through some fires and the song speaks of what she has learned about the trials.

She says that it's not the fire (trial) that makes us strong, it's walking through the fire that makes us strong. Coincidentally, we heard the song for the first time when starting the walk through our most recent fire, a year and a half ago, and it changed our whole outlook on the trial.

We became focused on what we were going to learn through it, instead of wondering why we were allowed to go through the trial. In a way, we viewed ourselves as being blessed for having the priviledge of walking through the fire.

No, we did not enjoy the burn. At times, it was unbearably painful and, to this day, the scars are the hardest part with which to deal, but we learned immensely from the experience and gained knowledge far beyond our 37 years.

Further even, we learned that we become strongest when we are willing to walk forward, not knowing but suspecting there is fire around the next corner and being fully ready and willing to walk through it, if there is.

I don't feel numb anymore.