When Jesus told His parents he was leaving town - getting the heck out of Dodge - to answer His Call - hang with a bunch of traveling fisherman, do some tent revivals, heal some lepers and have some free, heavy-duty therapy sessions with prostitutes and the like - what do you think dinner was like that evening?
Parents: "Jesus, please, you've been studying in the Temple for
years; you've almost got your GED, you've got it made, kid. Why not
stay? The whole family lives here. Everybody in town knows you; you've got connections. You've been a little quirky your whole life and we've given you your space but now it's getting old. Don't be ridiculous. You're gonna be a priest."
Jesus: "But, Dad, this is my Call in life. It's my passion. It's what I
was born to do. I'm gonna change the world, give people a reason to live, a purpose."
Parents: "That's great, Jesus. It's a noble thing, really, but
you need to finish your education first; you need something to fall back
on. What if this whole passion-thing of yours doesn't work out, then
what? You need a steady job, insurance, retirement, a family."
Mary: "We just want YOU to be happy, Jesus. Find you a nice
girl, get betrothed, buy a nice camel, maybe a coat with many
colors."
Joseph: "We won't allow it. No. That's it, you're not
going. End of discussion."
Jesus: "Just try and stop me."
I don't know. Who knows how that family discussion went down. "Mary, did you know?" That's the question.
Do YOU know? Do you know your child's Call? How will the discussion go when it's your child's time to answer their Call?
For years, from about Kindergarten until Freshman year, Anna always claimed that her future was to be a missionary. I don't know where that came from but I always knew God was going to change her mind; she just didn't seem the missionary type, I thought. No, God, there's something more, isn't there?
Gerald and I never discussed with her much about her future. We never pushed her into this or that; never talked about a certain college, or college at all for that matter. Some people aren't called to college. We tried to leave the door wide open. I guess we just always had an understanding that she would know, she would figure it out, it was her life/her future to sort through. Whatever it was, He would make it known. Our job was to make sure that she new to listen and had ears open to hear the Call. We would get out of her way when she needed; help her when she asked. We put her through a Student Leadership program that would guide her and give her wisdom to make wise choices about her future. Teach her what we didn't know, and some of which she wouldn't want to hear from her parents. We offered her a big headstart and it took.
For a couple of years now, Anna has been bent on becoming a Lawyer. At first I was excited for her but lately, I haven't said much about it to encourage her, crossing my fingers she'd get her wits about her and then figure out her REAL Calling. I don't know what my hesitation was. Lawyer just didn't ring in my ear. I just knew she was going to change her mind. I had this butterfly in the pit of my stomach.
So I waited. Here we are now, Junior year, starting to get into all the college planning. Lord, what ARE you waiting for? What are you doing? Talk to her, PLEASE. She's confused.
Today, it hit me - Amy, what are YOU doing?
How many times have I sat and listened to a student tell me their heartache about having to go to the college mom and dad picked out b/c mom and dad would pay for nothing but. How may times have I heard parents talk and talk and talk, nag and nag and nag about having a "fallback", until finally the child gives up on their Passion, to do the will of their parents instead? I've watched passion-called missionaries become parent-called dentists instead; i've watched passion-called teachers become parent-called engineers instead. I've even watched a woman stubbornly allow her family's life to continue to deteriorate for the sake of financial comfort and a good reputation, by not allowing her spouse out of a career that was killing him and their marriage; instead of seeing their marriage possibly reborn within the joy, strength and confidence of a man, doing what he was created to do.
And the thing is, I always swore I'd never be that parent. Well, as it is, I can't judge, lest I be judged.
I have refused to step off the ladder so that she can climb the top on her own. It's not that I don't like the roof she's going to step out on, rather I'd like to see her take a different ladder, you know one that I have deemed, "safer," even though I myself have been injured on this ladder many times. Explanation forthcoming.
Today, I will go talk with my daughter. I've never verbally rejoiced with her, in her Calling; I've always held back, thinking it would change. I've not interested myself with the college she wants to attend because, frankly, it scares me a little that she wants to attend a college in D.C. that's not a private, Christian college. Truthfully, I guess I thought she would always want to stay in a Christian (i.e. safer) environment even though we've always reared our kids otherwise; and it's embarrassing to admit because I know better. Christian is certainly NOT a synonym for safe; it's anything but. We've purposely educated our children in a way so that they can go anywhere. They have to know what they believe, why they believe it and be strong enough to stand up for their beliefs, in all areas of life. And here I stand, purposely holding back from my daughter the joy deserved, and during what should be a celebratory event in her life, simply because I refuse to be an active participant in my own discomfort. What a hypocrite.
I don't know what I thought Anna would do in life. I know that I should have been able to see it. She's always been very stubborn and eerily but logically, persuasive. Too smart for her own good sometimes.
I know she's instinctively felt my qualms about her decision and I think our relationship has silently suffered for that. I cannot afford that right now. Only so many marbles left in that jar until she's gone.
I've never heard what my daughter has heard, directly from her God, about the Call on her life. What I have heard is my daughter, HER voice, trusting in her God. Yep, she has a voice, we reared her that way - if only we'd known =). Only she can hear what the Lord is saying to her about her life. I can only hear what the Lord is saying to me about mine - He's been fairly loud and clear this week. Sure, I can help, dole out some advice but she has the power of the decision. For the power I have, I have to trust in the Lord and trust that I have helped rear my child to hear the voice of God, loud and clear. And then I pray, constantly reciting my children's names in His ear. It's a circle that's unbroken.
So now, I must let.....go. Oh, it's so much harder than I thought it would be. This labor pain is going to last awhile, I'm afraid.
