The Great Gum Caper

Last Wednesday, Number Five and I played "chaperone" to my hubby and the Financial Admin, as she and he attended a conference in Atlanta.

It was great! We were to just hang out, swim in the heated pool and hot tub, watch some TV, eat, shop, and go see some sights.

The first sight we saw Wednesday evening was the local Target. I forgot to pack swimsuits and big tears were being shed, so we ventured out into strange territory and found the comforting, red bullseye.

After swimming, Number Five and I met back with Hubby. While eating ice cream sundaes with me and Hubby, Number Five decided that between the Atlanta Zoo and the Georgia Aquarium, sharks and penguins rated much higher than lions, tigers and bears.

On Thursday, Number Five and I slept in, talked about going swimming but little man was determined to go see Cody, first thing.

A little background:

In 2004, when we decided to move to Florida but before we physically moved, I started having this recurring nightmare that I was on a small highway, heading over a small bridge to Cocoa Beach. On the horizon, out over the sand beach and the water, everything was black. Fierce-looking, fast-moving clouds were approaching--a HUGE hurricane was making landfall at that moment and I was the only one on the road; however, I wasn't afraid of the hurricane--what I found more horrifying in my nightmare was that the only turn around was an exit onto a tollroad AND I HAD NO MONEY! After we had physically moved to our home in 2004, I was amusingly relieved when I discovered that we lived at least half an hour from any tollroad. We also lived, begrudgingly, 45 minutes from any ocean beach. In the 90's, we had lived on Merritt Island, just one or two small bridges inland from Cocoa Beach, accessed by a small highway. For a short while, until I learned the area, I always feared getting on the Beeline/tollroad accidentally and not having any money. That's where my nightmare had manifested itself. I let the nightmare get to me and eversince, I had been very, very hesitant to travel any major highways with which I was not familiar, by myself.

I wasn't about to let my little guy down. I put on my big girl panties, pulled 'em up real high, calmed my nerves with a Starbucks and the knowledge that I'd driven in downtown Kansas City traffic for years, no problem; the new car had a compass--I told myself, "just find out which direction you want to go, Amy". We headed out the revolving door towards I-85/75 and the aquarium.

We navigated smoothly with the kick-butt map that was thoughtfully printed for both male and female brain function--it used words, pictures AND landmarks. Landmarks are always my first navigational choice. We drove straight there, no wrong turns, no road construction detours. The only problem was to park at the "Official GA Aquarium Parking Lot" or the parking lot right across the street, which was half the price ($5) but whose attendant didn't look quite on the up-and-up. Hmm...a woman, by herself w/a child, not familiar with area...I paid the $10 for peace of mind.

So, Number Five and I head down the sidewalk, with a few business people, toward the Aquarium (I stayed in a group, Mom). We rounded a bend and I see the entrance and this guy with his arms straight out to his sides, being electronically frisked with "the wand". I snort and think to myself, "Nice, wonder what that guy has in his pockets; what a stupid-head, doesn't he know to empty everything into the little bowl?"

We approach the security check-point and the following scenario took place in a matter of a few seconds: I move to the right and set my backpack-purse on the table and the officer asks me to open it. While I'm complying with this and rolling my eyes, he asks me very quickly..."Mam, do you have any guns, knives or gum in your purse?" My brain stops for a minute and rewinds as I repeat his words quietly to myself, 'guns, knives or gum'? Hmm...my brain recognizes that something doesn't fit into that equation and it throws me off for a second. I was thinking 'guns, knives or bombs' ; 'guns, knives or fishing nets'; guns, knives or pepper spray'. I finally look at him, amused and repeat his question with a quizzical expression on my face, "Guns, knives or GUM?" "Yes, Mam, gum." I giggled and said, "Um, yeah, I have some gum in there somewhere." "Can you take it out, please, Mam?" "Ok-aay, whatever". I start digging--all the way to the bottom--it's a backpack-purse, like Mary Poppins' purse. I finally find a pack of gum and pull it out; I'm NOT digging for the other pack I know is in there--so I stare at him like I'm done. He holds up his gloved hand and asks me to set the gum on the table. I thought maybe he was going to ask me to back away while he used a chemical kit to check it for liquid Nitrogen :)--he just looks at me like I'm supposed to know what to do next. I'm waiting for him to rifle through my backpack, assuming we all lie about having guns and knives (or omit whole truths...like having TWO packs of gum). He doesn't--he looks at me and I look at him; he looks at me and I look at him. It hits me that maybe we're done but I don't know if I'm supposed to keep my gum. I say, "Sooo, can I have the gum back now?" "No, Mam." *Silence and more staring* "Sooo, you want me to throw the gum in the trashcan?" "No, Mam." "Leave it...until...I'm done in the Aquarium?" "If you want, Mam, but I doubt if it'll be here when you're done." "Yea, I get that but do you want me to do something with it?" "No, Mam." I'm still waiting for him to dismiss me or rifle through my purse or say something that ends the "drill". We stare at each other and crickets start chirping. Things were really awkward. I finally said, "I'll just throw it away over there in the trashcan." "Yes, Mam, if you want." Oh, I wanted to alright, because I knew that after I stepped out of sight, they were all going to take it and chew it! Nobody else entered during the exchange so I don't know if they were trying to pull one over on me but I wasn't gonna' let them have my gum. That's not the end of the story...

I was totally confused at this point (as are you, I'm sure) so I walk up to go through the metal detector and before I could even step one foot through it, the officer says, "Mam, please stop and put your arms straight out." "Seriously?" I say. "Yes, Mam." So, I oblige and it was eery. Like being molested by some invisible force. At this point, I'm a little perturbed and I look down at Number Five standing beside me; he's looking up at me with a slightly confused/scared look on his face. I can't put my arms down to touch him and reassure him so I just tell him, "It's okay, it doesn't hurt or anything." As quick as it started, it was over and we were allowed to enter...after we paid $31.50. As it turns out, five and under were free for the day, as long as you weren't hiding any guns, knives or gum in your undies.